Gloom despair and agony on me.
Deep dark depression,
Excessive misery.
If it weren’t for bad luck,
I’d have no luck at all.
Gloom despair and agony on me.

For those of you old enough….that’s the opening of a song always heard on the TV show “Hee Haw”. I think that lyric kind of describes the feeling some of us might have toward the times we’re in right now. Businesses closed, layoffs, partial re-openings, curbside pick-up, masks/gloves in public, extensive disinfecting, etc., etc. These are all things we’re faced with and in most cases needed to happen, but I can’t wait to get back to the life we all enjoyed before. And I’m a firm believer we will get there. Hopefully, to make your day a little brighter, we’ve changed up our topic this month. If you like a good laugh I think you will enjoy.

Laughter is the Best Medicine 

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license, please?

Woman? I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver’s license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the Officer. The Officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you, ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha that lying SOB told you I was speeding too!

A father puts his three-year-old daughter to bed, told a story, and listened to her say her prayers, which she ended by saying “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa.”

Father said, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?

The little girl said, “I don’t know, daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do”.

The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma”.
The next day the grandmother died.

“My gosh,” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say “God bless mommy and good-by daddy.”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home, his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day. You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch.”

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

“They’re not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it”, she shouts, “I’ll take care of this”.

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving…now what do we tell them for Christmas?”

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During their meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there’s more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom’s thought, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.”

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose your mother took it, do you?”

He said, “Well I doubt it, but I’ll email her just to be sure!” He sat down and wrote:

Dear mom,

After your visit with me, a silver plate has been missing. I’m not saying that you took the silver plate from my house, and I’m not saying you didn’t take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Your son

Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:

Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you don’t sleep with her: but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love,
Mom